Friday, June 30, 2006

Facts About Markos Moulitsas:

Here, for the edification of the masses and the convenience of the media, are carefully researched facts about Daily Kos founder, Markos Moulitsas. I have created and will maintain this site solely in the interests of accuracy - for now that The New Republic is admitting to publishing erroneous stories about him, and the New York Times columnist David Brooks has labeled him the "Keyboard Kingpin", more and more lazy, unprincipled journalists will grunt out stories about Markos Moulitsas and the Daily Kos without bothering to do the most basic research.

This then, is for you, colleagues of the media. You will no longer need to make up facts about Daily Kos and its founder, for here I and my team of crack researchers have done so for you. Here, you will find facts to fill every need, even though many of them violate causality, basic physics, and common sense - but they were all researched to the standards demonstrated by Stephen Glass of The New Republic, so they should be perfectly acceptable for publication.

Just make sure you credit us, for my team and I have worked long minutes and made great sacrifices to bring these facts to light. Why, Markos has personally eaten my automobile. Twice.

We will be continually working to expose more facts - but until then, you'll have to make do with these:

  • Markos Moulitsas looks smaller on TV than in person. He is actually seven feet tall, with hands that could crush a bowling ball. He sharpens his teeth by chewing beer bottles, and the rumor is that he shot Billmon just for snoring. He scares us all because he enters our villages and eats our livestock at night. - Rude Pundit

  • Markos Moulitsas doesn't crash the gates. The gates see him coming and crash themselves. - wiscmass

  • Chuck Norris is the only mortal that can survive as Markos Moulitsas' sparring partner. Kingpins are immune to roundhouse kicks. - DH from MD

  • Markos Moulitsas does not own a computer. He calls the server from a payphone and hisses the site updates in raw binary.

  • Markos Moulitsas does not own a computer. his posts spontaneously assemble themselves out of sheer progressive fervor. - wiscmass

  • Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. Every time Markos Moulitsas posts on the front page, a wingnut spontaneously combusts.

  • Markos Moulitsas, during a slow afternoon waiting for a site update, wrote three of Mozart's operas - Don Giovanni, Idomeneo, and Singspiel. We remember them as being Mozart's work because Markos Moulitsas travelled back in time and gave them to him.

  • Archaeologists translated one of the Dead Sea scrolls as the Gospel of Markos Moulitsas. It says, simply, "Fear me." This is often confused with the Gospel of Armando, which is simply "Heh".

  • Markos Moulitsas donated blood only once in his life. We know the recipient as Armando.

  • Markos Moulitsas personally made pi equal to 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609 "because he felt like it".

  • Markos Moulitsas kills a blogger every time the margins are broken. Walter Holburton, 38, of Madison, Wisconsin, died in his mother's basement due to the pi entry above.

  • Markos Moulitsas invented the Internets. Yes, plural - there are actually seventeen Internets, and sixteen of them belong solely to Markos Moulitsas.

  • Over thirty-eight thousand women have become spontaneously pregnant from reading Markos Moulitsas' posts on Daily Kos. Markos Moulitsas does not run blog ads to pay for them - he simply squeezes coal into diamonds with his fists. When Markos Moulitsas saw that DC Comics had used this trick, he beat up Superman.

  • Bill O'Reilly is balding because, after Markos Moulitsas glared at a photograph of him, Bill O'Reilly's hair started to spontaneously fall out. You don't want to know what happened to Ann Coulter.

  • Markos Moulitsas is the One. The first Matrix movie is fact and shows how Markos Moulitsas started Daily Kos. The other two movies are fiction because a movie about him defeating the machines and software agents and liberating humanity with one hand while reading War and Peace wouldn't sell. - props to rasbobbo.

  • Markos Moulitsas owns the Ark of the Covenant. He took out the stone tablets that were inside and now uses it to store a copy of the FAQ. The stone tablets he built a BBQ out of and fuels it with original scrolls from the library at Alexandria - the entire contents of which are posted on one of his personal Internets.- eastvan, Muwarr90, and FleetAdmiralJ

  • Markos Moulitsas was Ian Fleming's inspiration for Ernst Stavro Blofeld. His stories are heavily fictionalized, however, because Markos Moulitsas recruited super secret-agent James Bond instead of trying to kill him. We know James Bond today as Hunter. - props to Malacandra

  • Markos Moulitsas is at least 445 years old and was once known as the Comte de Saint-Germain, although some say that he's much older, and may be the source of the legend of the Wandering Jew. - Malacandra

  • Markos Moulitsas actually wrote Shakespeare's plays, "Finnegans Wake" and "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues". - Malacandra

  • Markos Moulitsas knows where Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and Judge Crater are. - Malacandra

  • Markos Moulitsas was the fifth Beatle. - Malacandra

  • Markos Moulitsas is the only person Keyser Soze fears. - mndan

  • Markos Moulitsas rubberized his face to play Kevin Spacey playing the alleged Kaiser Soze, and all those "lies" that "Spacey" supposedly made up in the interrogation were actually true stories that happened in alternative universes that Kos personally controls. - zapmama

  • Markos Moulitsas Markos is the Grand Master of the Illuminatti, and as such, is secretly bringing about the New World Order. Markos Moulitsas is also the direct descendant of Jesus, Mohammed, Bhuda, Moses and the Tooth Fairy. The United States government is nothing but a front for a world wide organization seeking to suppress this information. Markos Moulitsas is also the rightful heir to all the royal thrones in the world, both extant and extinct. At this year's Bildenberg Conference they are going to sacrifice four billionaires, three world bankers and two media moguls on the altar in His honor.- Muwarr90, tjb22, homogenius

  • Markos Moulitsas is a signatory to twenty-seven mutual defense treaties against himself.

    Determining his effective allies and enemies requires a team of professional logicians.

    Each of his posts is run through a customized diplomacy algorithm to prevent him from inadvertently declaring war on himself. - Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)

  • Markos Moulitsas doesn't fear to say Lord Voldemort's name out loud. Lord Voldemort calls Markos Moulitsas "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". - props to Pithy Cherub

  • Markos Moulitsas once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. But, he got distracted reading an economics post by bonddad, so Markos Moulitsas resuscitated the man and shot him again. But, he got distracted again reading one of georgia10's posts, so Markos Moulitsas had to go back, resuscitate him, and shoot the man again. Not being a cruel man, Markos Moulitsas brought the man back to life a final time after he'd watched him die, but by this time the poor man's brain had been so damaged by lack of oxygen that he could only find work as a Washington pundit.

    We know the man today as David Brooks, and that is why he hates Markos Moulitsas.

    Oh, and Markos Moulitsas doesn't own a gun. He shot the man by pointing his finger at him and saying "Bang!". - props to jgkojak

  • Markos Moulitsas inspired the Dune novels when he met Frank Herbert. Frank Herbert gave props to Markos Moulitsas by inclding the concept of the Kwisatz Haderach. This is only fair, as Markos Moulitsas is the Kwisatz Haderach. - props to homogenius and LondonYank.

  • Markos Moulitsas: His blog goes to 11. - IndyScott

  • Markos Moulitsas calls himself The Daily Kos. As soon as he did, The Fonz lost his cool and became plain ol' Henry Winkler. - snarkalita, Robert in WV

  • Markos Moulitsas died 28 years ago, but Death is too afraid to tell him. - TheBlaz
  • Markos Moulitsas is not only the Kingpin, but he also starred in the movie Kingpin, playing every actor and most of the sets. He lost 145 pounds to play the bowling ball. - dday

  • Markos Moulitsas walks on water. Nevertheless, Markos Moulitsas needs boats. - Ari Mistral, tjb22, worried sick

  • Markos Moulitsas beat the Flash in a race. No matter how fast the Flash ran, Markos Moulitsas was already there, for Markos Moulitsas is always where he needs to be. - tjb22, wiscmass, Ari Mistral

  • Markos Moulitsas played the part of Brother Maynard in Monty Python's In Search of the Holy Grail.

    It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Kooooooooosssssss'. - f furney

  • Markos Moulitsas secretly beats the naked ass of every newbie to the DK with a size 22 Converse sneaker in a Satanic ritual based on the practives of Skull and Bones. The front pagers shoot rubber bands at your ass while Kos applies the sneaker. The only Daily Kos member that has not undergone the rite is Moody Loner, by mutual consent. - f furney

  • Markos Moulitsas finds birth control irrelevant. He simply wills little Kossacks into existence. DoodAbides is then in charge of naming them. Hence all the goofy names we have here. - FireCrow

  • Markos Moulitsas' tears cure every known disease. But Kos is too manly a man to ever cry. - shayera
  • Markos Moulitsas makes Baby meta-Jesus cry - with joy. - clone12

  • Markos Moulitsas does not stand and say, "I am Spartacus!" Spartacus stands and says, "I am Markos Moulitsas!" - props to Ex Con

  • Markos Moulitsas is both a ninja and a pirate! - clone12

  • Markos Moulitsas saved Bill in Portland Maine's life. - BiPM

  • Markos Moulitsas is too sexy for that song.

  • Markos Moulitsas and Atrios are actually fraternal twins (there was an
    accident involving a contraceptive and a time machine.) Markos invented
    the greatest drink in the universe, the Pan Galactic Freeper Blaster,
    and in his spare time lounges on a beach while a small team of experts
    invents new ways they could be nice to him.